Time and Serenity
by Diana Slytherin Riddle
Summary: Um...read it!


_June 30, 1998_

_ It has been a year since I have last seen her. It has been a most miserable year. A year without her smiling face to greet me. A year where I should not meet her in secret to deceive him. She's engaged to him now. I lost my chance. They shall marry any day now. Surely, I will be invited. I was her best friend for seven years. I feel so forsaken. I cannot blame her. It's not as if she chose to live without me. I should have sent her more letters.The letters stopped after a month or so. I should send her a picture. I should not smile for the camera. I should show her how I really feel now. She should know. She should be with me. Alas, she is happy with him. She would be happier with me. I know she would be. I would be much happier with her around than I am now.   
__ I have not done as my father did before me. I am not a governer in the Ministry of Magic. I am a secretary. I make quite a bit as secretary, though, and it's not a dull job. I miss her so much it hurts. It hurts inside so much that it's starting to give me headaches. I'm tired all the time, and I can barely find an appetite anymore. I hope I'm not like this until I die. It seems I will never find serenity.   
__ Perhaps I should have given that other girl a chance. That other girl is so disgusting. I could not love her if she was the only one to love. I could not bring myself to such a low level. I could not bare to have the one I truly love see me with that other girl. Why do I not say their names, you may wonder? I wonder the same thing myself, to be honest. Why could I not say that I love Diana Riddle? Why could I not say that she is engaged to Fred Weasley? Why could I not say that the dreadful other girl is Pansy Parkinson?I suppose I should tell you now that I am Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy._

That was his last journal entry before he disappeared. I cried that fateful night. I wanted to save him from his misery, because I knew I was the only one who could. Fred told me "No," and I broke the engagement. His jealousy overtook him and he hit me for the first time in his life. It was frightening, so I ran away. I have been in search of Draco Malfoy ever since. I hope I will find him alive. I truly hope I do. I'm sure Fred is looking for me, so I cannot tell you where I am. All you need to know is that I am scared. I am fearful for my life, as well as Draco's. I am fearful for Fred's life, for I really do love him. I just don't think I am ready to marry.

It has not been long since that day. I have lost track of days, myself. It's hard to find out what day it is when you live a life of hiding. I've been going between small towns and villages. I'm sure I'm not as comely as I was when I left. I have been bathing in pubs with kindhearted owners, but that's all I can really do to take care of myself anymore. I have had many sleepless nights. I have loads of money, but it is all at Gringotts. I cannot go to Gringotts and hide very well. Fred may look for me in Diagon Alley.

There is no sign of hope around me. It is starting to snow a bit. I have always enjoyed the cold. Now is no exception. It is hard when you cannot just stand outside and absorb the cold air around you. I cannot go outside. I might be seen if I ever did. Fred sent a letter to the Daily Prophet that I was someone to look for. He wrote "If you ever read this, Diana, know that I still love you." It hurts, not to be able to say the same to him. I really wish it was that easy to make up. I never thought I'd be hiding from the man I loved in search for my best friend.   
Who am I kidding? I have loved Draco for all these years as well. I have tried to hide it for most of them. My heart has been torn between Draco and Fred ever since I met Draco. I knew it would be hard to ever choose between them. I did not want to choose between them, but a girl with any class does not mate with two guys. It just is not moral.   
It isn't ironic that my mind works in a way that is immoral. My father is the Dark Lord Voldemort. That is another thing I have tried to hide from the world. If anyone ever found out I was Voldemort's daughter, I'd likely be questioned as to where he was and what he was plotting. If I didn't answer, I'd be sent to Azkaban. I would likely be sent there someday, but I don't want to be sent for something so stupid. That would just be, well, stupid.

I walk down the streets of an alley. It is not one many wizards have heard of. There are many little shops, but they are all very run-down. Most of the people around here have very sparse Gringotts vaults. I do not understand how anyone could possibly stand living here. It does not seem logical to me, even though I lived in the Burrow most of my life. I find it ironic that I have money and I ended up living in the Burrow instead of the Malfoy Manor, where I was supposed to go in the event that my parents could no longer raise me.   
Thinking about the Malfoy Manor does not help me at a time like this. I doubt Draco would have fled to home. I am looking through the window of a pub. There is a person in a robe with his hood up and his head down. I am walking into the pub. This moping person looks like someone I once knew. His small robes sort of hang off of him. He must be very thin. I sit down next to him but do not say a word. I wouldn't dare say a word, since I think he may be a stranger. I hope he will look up. He looks rather distraught.

After a few moments of awkward silence, the person looks up. His pale face is full of doubt as if he had lost all hope within the last day or so. His grey eyes have no sparkle as if he had lost everything. It was like looking into two shallow voids of sorrow. It was slightly haunting to see this person's pointed face. It looked like it may be beautiful if there was any life in it. His white blond hair was straight yet untidy.   
A bit of a smile appears on his face, and a glint appears in his left eye. He asks me,

"Is it really you?"

A small smile appears on my face as well. This is the boy I have been searching for for what seemed like ages. This is the boy I always knew I loved. This is the boy I have hidden my feelings for for many years. This is the boy I never let myself see as more than a friend. He has been my best friend for eight years. It no longer matters that his face is sunken in or that his hair is untidy. This is him.

"Yes," I tell him.   
"Long time, no see. How's the husband?" asks Draco, a bit spitefully.   
"He never quite made it to husbandhood. I decided I wasn't ready to marry," I explain.   
"So you came to find me?" he asks.   
"Yes," I tell him, not able to explain further.   
"Oh," he says, shocked.   
"Would you like to go... elsewhere?" I ask, and he nods.

We leave the bar with out getting anything, which seems to offend the bartender. We shrug and walk down this unfamiliar street. We talk about how life has been for this past year. His is a sorrowful tale of heartache and misery. Mine is one of love and joy that ends in heartbreak. Neither of our stories are ever the happiest. Somehow, the endings are always just how we would imagine them to be.   
We walk for miles, not knowing where we are going. We don't really care where we are going, either. We come across a cliff above a very large lake. It is fairly late at night. I look at the moon's reflection on the water. It is so beautiful. How did this work out so perfectly? I look at Draco, who seems to be wondering the same thing. I take his hood off of his head.

"I'm a Death Eater now," he tells me, and he lifts up the sleeve of his robe.

Surely enough, the Dark Mark is imprinted on his arm. Voldemort is my father, but I could never bring myself to be a Death Eater. I am the reason he lost his powers. I was born and had to be babysitted by the Potters. My mother had nothing against the Potters, so she saw no problem with handing me over to them. She died the night my father had lost all of his power. I frown slightly upon thinking of all of this.

Draco touches my face. His hand is colder than it has ever been. It is as if he had been frozen and never quite thawed out. I want to help. I really do. I want to make him okay again. I don't know if he was ever quite okay. His parents had tried to buy his happiness while the only one who really loved him denied it for years. That would depress any man. I am sure Pansy Parkinson has tried to do things to Draco that are unimaginable. She claimed to love him, but if he was poor, I am sure she wouldn't have.   
I look at Draco's face. His eyes are longing, and his lips are frowning. He seems to have no hope. I can barely breathe with this thought. It's all my fault he's like this.

"How could you love me," I ask him, "when I have forsaken you all these years?"   
"Love withstands hateful deeds and lies. Real love doesn't care if a person is ridiculing or scornful," he says.   
"I never hated you, Draco. I could not," I tell him.   
"I might have hated you for a day or two," he says, not able to look me in the eye, "but I realized it hurt more than loving you."   
"I can never forgive myself for all this pain I've put you through," I say all too sincerely.   
"You have had a rough life, and Fred was always there. He deserves you," Draco says bitterly.   
"You loved me through all I have put you through. You went mad thinking you had truly lost me. You deserve me more than he does," I say pensively.   
"It's sad how you never realize how beautiful someone is until you feel you've lost them," Draco says.   
"Hey, are you talking about me?" I ask with a lighter tone than I have had for a while.

Draco smiles, and he can't help himself. He locks lips with me and lets out all of his feelings through a kiss. I let out all I have locked up, too. The passion involved would cause oceans that are frozen over to go up in flames. I cannot help but wonder what it would have been like if I had gone with him and not Fred. I love them both equally. At least, I think I do. Do I love them both equally? Can I love them both equally? I don't think human minds work like that.   
It is a while before Draco and I back away and look into each other's eyes. I see more than I had ever seen before. His eyes that were cold before are now ignited by passion. I smile as I look into them. I see the first smile from him that I have seen in two years. I cannot believe it has been that long since I have last seen Draco Malfoy. It is so strange to think that could possibly be true. It would make sense, since I was engaged to Fred, that I would end up not seeing Draco.

Seeing Draco after all this time seems like a relief. I do not want it to be a relief. I want to believe that I really do love Fred. I want to believe that I had almost forgotten about Draco. I want to believe this, but I do not think it is true. I cannot convince myself of this when the boy is right here beside me. I cannot believe this when I have known it was a lie since I met him. Why must I fall so deeply in love? I ponder this while I sit, my feet dangling off the edge of a cliff.

"It's okay if you still love him," says Draco.

I blush slightly. I wonder if I make it that obvious. Draco doesn't seem hurt. He smiles as if thinking everything is okay. He smiles in such a way that I have never seen him smile before. I adore the smile on his pale face. I enjoy the calmness in his grey eyes that are usually cold. I cannot help but wonder how I never realized how much I love this boy. Is it because Fred came to me first? Fred had become jealous of Draco. I wonder how Draco could not do the same with Fred. I wonder if he is hiding something from me.   
I want to tell Draco all of this, but something holds me back. It must be the part of Fred that is still inside me, tugging at my heartstrings. They say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before. It is much better to lose love in someone and find it again. But I never really lost Draco's love. Draco's love was always there, waiting to be returned. On the other hand, Fred's love was always there. The only difference is that Fred's love caused jealousy and a good fight or two.   
I wish it would work to have both. I wish too much for my own good, come to think of it. Wanting two people two love seems like quite a vain wish. Draco begins to look pensive. I wonder what he is thinking about. I wonder although I can read his thoughts. He is thinking of how it could have been. A tear falls from each of his eyes. I slowly lick the tears off his cheeks. I do not want more tears to fall. I do not want him to hurt any more than he already has.

He looks up at me, wondering if I am as saddened by this as he is. I am, but I do not tell him. I am hiding a lot from him. I feel like I should tell him everything. I feel like a liar, holding everything back like this. There must be something I can say to let all of these feelings of mine out. I cannot think of what I should say. I look at his upper right arm. There is a Dark Mark under his robe and shirt sleeve. There is a bond to my father that cannot be broken.   
Fred never would have done that, even if it was for me. He would never become a Death Eater or even admit to having any connection with Voldemort. He could not even say his name. Draco could not say his name for many years, but he realized how much it bothered me and learned not to fear the Dark Lord's name. It is strange, having a father that is so notorious. Draco has that in his own way. It seems like Draco could understand more about me than Fred, even if he hadn't lived with me for most of my life.

"Have you never loved another?" I ask Draco.   
"I thought of girls as pretty, but no. I have never loved another," says Draco.   
"What about Pansy Parkinson?" I ask him.   
"I could never love her. I didn't even like her. I just pretended to, so, well...." he trails off.   
"I'm so sorry," I say in the sincerest of tones.   
"You don't need to be," says Draco.   
"I never meant to hurt you," I tell him.   
"I know you meant well. We can forget the past and live in the present," he says.   
"A perfect present never leads to a perfect ending," I tell him.   
"Who said there had to be an ending?" asks Draco.

Draco had always been so spiteful and bitter. It is odd to think that just a little bit of love could change that. It's hard to say that I consider Fred a part of the past. I do not want to forget him. Draco does not admit to wanting me to forget Fred. Perhaps Draco just wants me to be happy. I was never quite the happy soul. Not a day went by when I wasn't mourning or fired up over something.

Draco stands up at the very edge of the cliff. I stand as well, and he takes my hand. Neither of us dare to look down. We were only Slytherins at Hogwarts. Bravery couldn't be expected from us. We both jump at the same time. This is the beginning of our new life.

_June 30, 2001_

_ We're twenty-three now. Yes, we. Diana remembers me more than I thought she would. I thought she was much more dedicated to Fred. Fred wasn't what she was looking for. Before she came back to me, I never thought I could be better. I never thought I was what she was looking for. I did not think her love for me would last this long. What we have now is the epitome of perfection. No one would dare come between us.   
__ Fred is alone now, I suppose. Diana doesn't say much about him. I'm glad she's finally over him. I still can't believe he would hit her. Their arguements all seemed so petty, but I suppose even those build up over time. Diana and I disagree on some things, like who is more beautiful. I'm sure she knows it's actually her. How could someone as pretty as her not know?   
__ I look back and wonder if I would have made it without her. I'm sure I would have, but it would have been a miserable path. I never realized how thin I was becoming or how much I was beating myself up. That is over now. If anyone, Diana would beat me up. She never has, but I'm sure she will one of these days. I was never the conversational one, and I often say the wrong thing. I consider Diana to be at my level, so I allow her to say anything she wants about anything stupid I say or do. I allow her to say anything she wants. I could never restrain her beautiful voice from speaking.   
__ I must say, my life has improved very much since I met Diana for the second time. We aren't engaged or anything like that. Diana figures it's all a curse that draws people apart and makes them fight. That is also why we haven't had a child. That doesn't mean we haven't..well, anyway, life is swell now. I never hoped for it to be this way. That would indeed be a selfish way to hope. I'm glad things are working out for us. I love Diana Riddle, and she is not engaged to anyone. I haven't seen Pansy Parkinson, and of that I am glad. Alas, I, Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, feel I have found serenity._


End file.
